I’m done with living, I’m done with everything but in the back of my head I know that one time it has to be better. I’ve stopped going to school and my classmates are wondering where I am, but all I can think of that they make jokes and don’t even care about me. So I’ve got mad, and I know thats not the way but I have so much anger in my mind, that I start pushing people away. Not that I can’t live without my classmates but I need to stop feeling so depressed, I literally hate my life.. and no one knows about it, no one.
when i erase a word with a pencil where does it go
are you okay
So I went to London this vacation and I love it! Tje people there are so nice and calm, I would hate all the tourists but they won’t feel any better than me (as a tourist)
Today I went to brick lane, WHAUW What a place, the Brooklin of Londen ( I think, sorry if I’m wrong!!!) All of those creative, wonderfull people, with their own fashion style. I love the thrift shops there. No one will laugh at you there, no ine will judge you because of your clothes or behaviour, I FOCKING LOVE IT. I think I was born in the wrong place!
In all the hardtimes I’ve bin trough I met my best friends, now I know where I can count on in the saddest times of my life.
Today is another shitty day.. all I can think about is the fights with my mom and my passed away friend..suddenly all the memories I have with him are showing up in my head.. the one and only kiss that we had and al of the best conversations we had! He was the best, and I wish I could bring him back to life, without anyone knowing and leave the Netherlands and start a new life somewhere on this planet.. leaving al my troubles behind.. and just be together.
I that’s one of my biggest wishes.. but here I am, laying in bed, sleeping at my best friend because I can’t take it anymore at home,
She is talking in her sleep, thats the only fun thing of this day, I wish I can record it and share it with you guys.
and now my mom, she is mentally ill, I put all my money ( not that I have money) on it, she is saying to all my friends that I have an illness in my head and that I must search for a psychiatrist.. who in the world is she to say that.. okay I honest with you, I could use some help but my mom doesn’t know a thing about my life so shut the f*ck off!
Soo my head is a littlebit clearer.. writing stuff down is a great way!
So i’m gonna change my blog a little bit.. i need to write some stuf out my head.. i hope it will help!
My dad, also know as my stepdad, because i dont know my real biological dad, is a real asshole.
My parents went trough a divorce two years ago and I never talked about my feelings because I want to be the strong girl. Bit guess what, I’m not.
my stepdad had a marriage of 40 years with a woman (no idea who) then he made the best decision, and choose my mother (best mom in the whole wide world (cliché, I know 😌)) but after 12 years of being happy together, he left my mother alone with me, and went to another b*tch, don’t know who and dont wanna know.
Now, when I lay in my bed, I thought about it and said to myself, why wouldn’t I confront him with what I think about the whole decision that he made.
But I just can’t, I’m the type of girl that speaks the words that come up in my mind, but when it’s to an aduld I put all my words back in my mouth. WHY WHY.
I’ve never had a dad in the first years of my life, my stepdad came into my life when I was 6, he did alot for me and I appreciate that, but I know that in a year I won’t talk to him anymore, everything has to come from one side and that’s mine. He says he cares, but I haven’t spoke him in a month now (I spoke him the last 1,5 year every month, we had dinner somewhere in a restaurant). It’s so cruel of him that he left me and my mom alone.
Why would he left me and my mom, where is this good for? The things that he did ripped us apart, my mom is broken, I’m broken, money is gone because we have a huge house and he, he is sitting with his new b*tch, watching stupid television programmes and go fishing and walking, bleghh. Where is the calssy man that we knew.
I never thought that this had so much influence on my life, I never know the feeling of breaking points, maby that’s something that all teenagers have, and many have much more weight on their shoulders, but why is there this man in my life who only broke our hearts, of course there were cool, exciting, loved moments the past 12 years.. but the bad overrule the good things, unfortunately.
Sorry if I bored you, but I had to clear my head.
I just really want to thank you boys, (even i know that you aren’t going to read this)
You (crazy) Mofo’s are my life, you bring me so much joy and love. Because of you 5 lads I begin to love my self more and think about the day I will meet you guys.
Actually there are no goods words to describe what you mean to me. You are my life <3 And I will love you and dream every night about you.
XOXO- just a face in the crowd, Merel
Hey! Thank you for liking my blog , like your blog also! I’m from the Netherlands. And you?